Notes from The Likeability Trap by Alicia Menendez
Contents
- Why this book?
- Chapter 1 Please Like Me
- Chapter 2 The Goldilocks Conundrum
- Chapter 3 Likeability and Authenticity as Luxuries
- Chapter 4 Damned If You Do
- Chapter 5 The Power Grab
- Chapter 6 Public Person; Private Self
- Chapter 7 Angry Women Everywhere
- Chapter 8 Addressing the Emotional Cost
- Chapter 9 Shifting Away from Likeability
- Chapter 10 What We Can Do, as Individuals and as Organizations
- Chapter 11 Let Her Lead
Why this book?
In an earlier post I described my people-pleasing tendencies and path to rehabilitation. Towards the beginning of my journey, I came across Alicia Menendez during her press tour for her new book, The Likeability Trap.
I purchased the e-book immediately, looking for language to bring structure to nebulous internal feelings about how a personality like mine could successfully navigate the workplace. I was able to find that in this book. In tone, it reminded me of Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg but for a younger audience.
Below is a summary of somewhat-disjointed personal notes and often without important context; consult the full text for context.
Chapter 1 Please Like Me
I want to be myself, do good work, lead my team, and feel liked - why is pulling all this off at the same time so hard?
- Even those who have a very clear and fixed internal compass independent of others' perceptions acknoweldged that they had, at points, paid a price for being so brazenly themselves (e.g., not playing office politics, pretending to be brazenly themselves).
I might not be able to make everyone happy. In order to do what is necessary to ensure my and my team's success, I might need to ruffle some feathers. In addition to ability and hard work, things one needs to do in order to advance involves advocating for one's ideas, one's self, and one's accomplishments.
There are elements of how you interact with others that you can control; you can be kind, curious, and friendly. But how someone will interpret those qualities is out of your control.
Chapter 2 The Goldilocks Conundrum
Hypothetical 'Laura' doesnt command enough respect, doesn't take up enough oxygen, isn't seen as authoratative. She speaks as though she's simultaneously apologizing for speaking. She was taught to work hard, keep her head down, and be kind to others. She learned the hard way to STOP APOLOGIZING and ASK DIRECTLY!
While warmth can be seen as a lack of strength and lead to the person not being taken seriously, leaders require warmth (so we trust them) and strength (so we believe they can take action and ASSERT THEMSELVES.
Chapter 3 Likeability and Authenticity as Luxuries
IMPOSTER SYNDROME manifests as the fear of making mistakes, because of the fear that the mistakes will be used as proof that I'm not up to the task or suited for leadership.
Calling a woman emotional is a great way to call her incompetent without having to use the word.
Bring your whole self to work means to show up in a way that is vulnerable, true, and authentic... showing up as you are.
Celia Muñoz described a professional experience where she felt like she was struggling to have the authoritative voice that she needed to do her job well. Some of that was because some people mistook graciousness for lack of strength or lack of authority.
- She had sessions with Valerie Jarret to refine her approaches to her coworkers.
- It took weeks of work behind the scenes, just to be heard.
Chapter 4 Damned If You Do
The path to success requires self-advocacy and convincing others that you're worthy of investment.
Once you get a job, you want to make a good impression. That can mean feeling pressure to go along with bad ideas, doing others work and cover for them, rapidly responding to emails for fear of being perceived as lazy. Being aware that these pressures exist is the first step to combating them.
Are you an asker or a guesser? Askers ask for what they want and need.. They ask anyone for anything because they are comfortable with getting a 'no'. Guessers hate to ask for anything. They only ask when they're sure the answer is 'yes'. In a perfect world, we'd be offered what we want without asking. This is in part because when we're asked for things we feel oblicated to say 'yes'.
Social capital is more necessary to a manager's advancement than hard skills and executions of tasks.
Ambition is a form of resilence. It's a motor that powers you though rejection, long nights, and pitch meetings where investors or studio executives or your higher-ups turn you down.
All these professional necessities - getting hired, self-promotion, negotiating, receiving feedback, cultivating ambition - are critical for success.
Chapter 6 Public Person; Private Self
Criticism is part of the job, your skin will toughen.
— Mari Carmen Aponte
Sometimes what's necessary to succeed runs in sharp opposition to what's most authentic to one's self.
Chapter 7 Angry Women Everywhere
'She's a bitch, but he's just having a bad day.'
When women explain why they reacted how they reacted, specifically when they identify the circumstance that triggered their response, they don't experience as severe a penalty.
Premise: women's best options are to navigate and survive systems built and ran by white men. Additional layer of complexity for women of color.
Chapter 8 Addressing the Emotional Cost
We're whole people - so you can't coach someone at work without knowing what's going on at home. Every part of our lives is woven into every other part.
Who you really are is more appealing than who you pretend to be when I feel threatened or unsure.
Practice and research alone so that you can show up as the person you are!
In our attempts to strive towards an 'ideal self', many of us create rules of who we should be and what we should do. The space between our real self and our ideal self is drawn not just by our aspirations to be better, but by some sense that our ideal self would be better regarded than our true self.
Learning how not to internalize other's opinions is a process.
Getting concrete feedback.
- "Can you be more concrete?"
- "How does this thing I do impact my work?"
- "Compared to whom?"
You are more likely to feel like you belong in your workplace when you're im a community with others.
A truly valuable mentor is able to help you identify and articulate you strength and goals.A professional sponsor makes you known to power players inside and outside your organization, advocates for you and connects you with opportunities for advancement. You must also benefit the sponsor! You're not looking for a new best friend, but someone whose interests align with yours, has power, a big network, and a willingness to use those assets on your behalf.
There has to be something about you — personality, visiion, work ethic — that attracts people to you.
Chapter 9 Shifting Away from Likeability
— Mindy Kaling
Many people who care about likeability also care deeply about how their words and actions impact others. But prioritize truthfullness and compassion over being liked.